vipassana, manda, dhamma.org...
just survived my first 10 day silent meditation course in kelseyville.
honestly didn't think i'd make it after the first day, seemed to be getting mixed messages about it once i was there. my feelings were constantly shifting about whether it was good for me or not. the 10 day commitment seemed to only make it worse, for the emphasis, but in reality, it was critical to my ability to hang in there and sustain my fight or flight response, which notably manifested on the second day, when i had a terrible feeling of claustrophobia and wanted to leave immediately, and then to a somewhat lesser extent after the inexplicable let down i felt after the build up to learning 'vipassana' on the fourth day; finding out that it was merely paying attention to bodily sensations...but then learning later how simplistic my initial understanding, and how effective it can be if one makes a true effort to notice the sensations and to observe, and not become attached...deceptively simple, incredibly rewarding if achieved...i took the plunge and now it's baby steps, like windsurfing; a commitment to get yourself and all the equipment out there, then it becomes mostly a matter of balance, and awareness of the constantly shifting wind/thoughts, maneuvering the best you can, the more you pay attention, the smoother the sailing. perhaps an awkward analogy, such a beginner on this journey...never thought i'd ever make time to meditate, or to learn how to meditate - it's too soon to tell if i'll continue or not, as i only returned today from the 10 day silent meditation course, consisting of 10+ hours of meditation every day. admittedly a few days i only meditated 6-8 hours...i had to zone out a bit just to muster up the will to sit for more meditating, the 4:30am group sits...it did seem incredibly tedious at times to sit there trying to hold the same position for hours on end. the recorded discourses lead us through the rabbit hole that is vipassana, a technique that is very old, and helped many to reach enlightenment.

while some of the mystery about meditation is gone for me, a newfound respect for the sheer discipline of it has taken it's place.
my head feels cleaner now, no cluttered thoughts, and the bad memories seem to be leaving me alone. this has to be better than pills or talk therapy, or my old habit which is to find an activity, any activity and 'work things out of my system'. somehow meditation seems to be truly clearing stuff out that i didn't realize was cluttering up my head.
so, i'm on the road to find out, as cat stevens used to sing.